Chapter Eight- Janet

I looked at my watch on my wrist anxious about being on time. It was nine fifteen and I had just pulled up outside Embargos in a taxi driven by the most daring cab driver I have ever witnessed. I swear he could not have had a driving licence, the way he was driving. I hurriedly stepped out the red Mazda and into the after work party district. I dusted off my blue off the shoulder top which I had grabbed up Westend after work and straightened my black high waisted skirt which complimented my black and blue stilettos. I don’t know why I was making such an effort, it was only a drink. I strutted carefully pass these two white men, who gave me a wolf whistle as I wined passed. I hadn’t seen Marcus ‘officially’ for near enough a year and I know he will be looking fine as usual.
The door was opened for me by the middle aged Columbian door man, and I walked through the heavy glass doors into the dimly lit bar. I scanned the room to look for Marcus, as I turned to my left I noticed him waving towards me from a secluded corner of the bar. I strutted towards him with a huge smile on my face, as he mirrored my action with his arms open.
“Hey beautiful. Damn you look good” He said as he twirled me around.
“Same to you babes” I expressed as I we held each other in a tight embrace for about thirty seconds. Anyone who saw us could tell that we had missed each other immensely.
I unconsciously licked my slightly glossed lips. I looked on and admired Marcus, still as suave as ever, wearing a chocolate brown suit, with a pink shirt with the top two buttons undone displaying his sexy chocolate skin. Damn, he knew how to pull off a good suit. My eyes drifted as I sat there thinking, how did I ever let him slip away after that night. What really was going through my mind! This was something worth risking. We had never fully regained the friendship we had after that night. Everything changed.
Now, here we were meeting together after all this time. What really was on his mind? Did he just want to catch up, or does he have something he needed to tell me to my face? My suspicion grew stronger, as I smiled happy to see him. Well it can’t be anything worst than how I treated him, I thought. He’s back in town, and I’m sure I could make reparations. Did I even want to? Fear was over shadowing my senses. Please God let me get through this evening.

I loved quiet spots like this, although it was in the heart of the wine bar district, Embargos was for the grown and sophisticated, the working folk, who wanted to be secluded from all that ‘young hype’. Everyone in here looked like they had just come from work, or had enough money not to work, but the environment was not pretentious.
“Here babes. I ordered you a brandy cocktail. You still like them don’t you?” He murmured so close up to my ear that it sent a slight shiver down my spine as I took the cocktail.
“Yes, I do. I don’t like how you know me so well” I said cheekily, with a flirtatious smile on my lips, whilst flicking my fringe from my face.
“Come on, give me some ratings. We spent so much time together in college, of course I know you like the back of my hand. Actually I think I know you better than I know myself babe”
We both laughed, walking over to the huge vacant comfortable white leather sofa, surrounded by dimmed honey lighting and a few people in deep conversation. We sat down, adoring the sounds of the live band playing on the back stage.

We sat for an hour engrossed in conversation, discussing the latest progressions in my life and his new promotion. Marcus shared his troubles moving back to London and his newly purchased three-bedroom house in Streatham.
I was so proud of him, who would think that the little street boy Marcus would be so successful, I mean he was always running after women like they were going out of fashion, actually let me correct that, they were running him down. I suppose they could see the potential in him, because he was always hard working. He did actually put his head down despite his reputation, and he always had high ambitions, I’m so glad that he has succeeded.

The conversation became light, discussing the bands collaboration of music. As I peered over my tall glass, I could see that Marcus was itching to say something; he looked as though he couldn’t contain his self any longer, itching to say something. I was right! Just like he could read my thoughts he opened his mouth and mentioned that night…
“What happened in Manchester Jay?”
“Marcus, look I’m sorry about what happened that night, I just….”
“Jay, actually don’t worry bout it. I haven’t held it against you. I understood where you were coming from; you had to protect your own interest”
“Hey! Don’t put it like that, I did not act selfishly, I mean… I was just scared”
“Scared of what Jay, I would never hurt you” He said with a sincere look on his sweet face, his brows sighing in disbelief.
“I know, but I was scared to lose you as a friend, you meant the world to me and I didn’t want to risk that changing”
Where was I going with all this honesty! I’ve only had a few drinks, now I was here pouring out my feelings, which I had suppressed for so long. What am I doing, I sound pitiful.
He leaned his chair closer, drowning out the sounds of the background distractions. “Jay, I felt the same way, but that night felt so right. I mean I felt at one with you. I thought the feelings were mutual…”
“They were… I… look it was a long time ago. Now, you’ve moved on, I’ve moved on. Let’s just leave it!”
“This is what you do every time, brush it under the carpet. Jay we need to talk about it. I need to know how you feel about me”
“Why? Look I told you. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, you have always been special to me, we have been there for each other since college, and I didn’t want that to change”
“Okay. So that’s how it is yeah? You care for me like a best friend?” He said frustrated.
“Yes!” I lied.
“And nothing more?”
“Why are you interrogating me? I have told you already!”
“Okay, okay… babe, I’m just asking. Let me get you another drink”
As Marcus went over to the well stocked bar to get me another cocktail, I sat thinking. Why don’t I just tell him the truth? The truth that I am in love him and always have been, and that night just made my feelings stronger. I just can’t seem to get the words out.
He doesn’t really need to know how deep it actually is, does he?
What if he feels the same?
He hasn’t really spoken about his true feelings. Well I haven’t actually given him the opportunity to do so. Maybe I should just tell him…
Nah!

As he stood at the bar, with his body learning partially over the counter I sat there admiring his physique letting my thoughts run away, picturing us together happily married, and visualising what our children would look like, would they inherit his strong sexy features, with his gorgeous brown eyes that shone like the sun through a glassed stained window. Would our daughter be as pretty as him? Would our son be athletic and charming like him! I shook the thoughts out of my head. Argh, I’m driving myself mad! I forced the vision back into my ‘what if’ memory bank as Marcus came walking back over to me, reclaiming his seat.
“Here Jay. Look I’m sorry for pestering you about it. Your right we should just move on, I won’t mention it again. But I just needed to know. From the first time I met you I knew we had something special and I am glad that we are still friends to this day babe. I’m just sorry that we haven’t been as close the past few years…”
“That’s fine, it’s my fault as much as yours, but mainly yours, most important thing is that we are here now”
“I know, thanks for coming. I mean I didn’t actually give you a choice did I?”
I had to laugh at that, because he actually didn’t, although I wanted to meet up with him anyway. I'm glad he actually made the first move.
“Jay, look I have something I need to say to you, it’s been on my mind for ages and I feel bad that it has taken me so long to pluck up the courage to say something”
Wow, he rushed his words out so fast and his face looked serious. He leaned closer, looking around uncomfortably. What was he possibly going to say? A thousand things ran through my head, but I could read Marcus like a book. His left eyebrow was raised, which indicated that it was something which I would not be too happy to hear.
He took a deep breath and began talking…
“Jay… remember I told you about the girl that I’m seeing at the moment?”
“Oh yeah, the ‘Personal assistant!’ I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
“Yeah, well its going okay, and err… we have been together for almost six months now, but err…urmm… we getting married next spring”
OH MY GOSH! My heart stopped beating. What was this that he was telling me! Please say that this is all a bad dream. I cannot believe what he just said, what happened to not wanting to hurt me! My lips won’t move… good evening heartache! Why, why, why?
“Jay, I’m sorry...thing is, I haven’t known her for that long and I’m not sure about the relationship, but Jay” He took a deep breath. “she’s pregnant…”
I couldn’t utter a single word, I just sat there with a blank expression on my face, frozen on the spot. I can’t believe it got worst!
“I’m only doing what’s right for the child, what choice do I have?”
My world had just crumbled before my eyes. How could he, how could he get that woman pregnant! He has only known her for a minute, how could he be getting married! She is a professional bitch! She has never liked me. Ever since she’s been around she has been trying to throw a deeper wedge between Marcus and me. Now look! I can’t breath… but I need to say something, I can’t let him know how much this is hurting me! Compose yourself, I must get it together!
I shifted in my seat, increasing the space between us. “Wow…that’s a surprise. Marcus the sweet boy, getting married and having a child, damn. Your gonna have to throw away your players card now!”
“I know. It’s not something which I planned, I mean I can’t believe it myself, Jasmine told me and I just couldn’t believe it. Me, going to be a father. I had to propose to her, my mother just wouldn’t let it go. I mean she tried to make me tie the knot before the baby is born, but I don’t think I can handle that”
“What do you mean? Come on now, your going to do it next year, you must love her” My gosh those words were so hard for me to get out, I don’t even think I even want to hear the answer. I retreated back into the sofa, scared of the oncoming verbal slaughter.
“To be honest with you... I’m not actually sure. It’s all happened so fast, I haven’t had time to evaluate my feelings, all I know is that I’m going to be a father in six months for sure. Jay…I’m doing the right thing aren’t I?”
“How can you ask me! You must know what you’re doing, you obviously knew what you were doing when you slept with her unprotected” I snapped not realising that my feelings were being exposed right now.
“You know what Jay, your right I’m not going to make no excuses but she was supposed to be on the pill, but I should have known better, and now I’m just taking responsibility for my actions”
“What you saying she trapped you?”
“I’m not saying that, but she did tell me she was on the pill. You remember that one girl in college that time that lied to me and told me she was pregnant”
“Oh my gosh, yeah now that was funny, she was the girlfriend from hell, she wouldn’t stop at anything to get you back! Damn!” At this point I actually cracked a smile and a giggle, as I rose back out from the shadows. Now that was a funny moment in time.
“I’m happy for you I suppose. I’m just shocked that your tying the knot before all of us!, You’re the last person anyone would see getting married!”
“Excuse you, your going on like I am such a hoe” He laughed.
“Oh please, don’t play innocent with me. So full time commitment is knocking on your door, smelly nappies, pushing buggies all that heading your way!”
“Don’t remind me, I always thought it would be different, you know with someone else…”
His eyes glistened as he looked at me. Was that directed at me? Why would it be? My emotions was getting the better of me so I interrupted the tension and got up rapidly. I can’t pretend anymore all this talk was cutting me in two. My voice croaked “I’m going to the ladies, be back in a minute”
I hurried over Marcus’s legs and rushed to the bathroom almost bumping into the foreign waiter holding a tray of drinks.
I wiped under my eyes carefully, not wanting the mascara to smudge. Oh my gosh, I just cannot believe what he has just told me. I looked in the mirror, Thank God I didn’t tell him how I actually feel about him. I would have looked like a right fool. All this is my own fault, it could have been us together! Why did I kick him out that night, why! Now he is marrying that bitch, I know she planned this. Fuck! How did this happen. I want to cry so bad.
I can’t think straight.
Marcus is getting married!
I forced back my tears.

As I walked back to where we were sitting I thought about what he last said, about him wanting it to be with someone else, because I wished this was not happening. I wished it were me. He was the perfect man, good job, career minded, he knew how to treat a woman. He was family orientated, and God fearing so I understood where he was coming from proposing to her, but why now, why her!
“Hun are you okay?” Marcus asked sincerely, the light giving him an angelic appearance.
If only he could read how bad I wanted it to be me, how bad I wanted this all to disappear, how much I really loved and cared for him. But of course I couldn’t tell him that, so I lied again!
“I’m fine. Look its getting late, I need to get to bed, got a meeting early in the morning”
“Sure. Jay” He reached out and held my hand. “ I just want you to know, you’re very special to me, and I’m sorry about leaving it so late to tell you. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else. I just… didn’t know how to tell you, just in case… you know!”
“Marcus, it was a long time ago, I’m past that now. I’m happy for you, really I am, it’s just a shock because we used to be so close. I just thought you would have spoken to me before making such an important decision. But I know everything is different now”
“No it is not Jay. Not if we don’t want it to be”
“Come on lets be real here. Number one your woman, well fiancée does not like me, never has and doubt if she ever will. Our friendship cannot get any better, not if she has anything to do with it. I would love it to be how it was back in college, but it never is going to be. I will still love you the same, you will always have a special place in my heart, and I hope I will in yours”
He lent forward and held my hand, rubbing it gently with his thumb, whilst he searched my eyes for what I was desperately trying to hide.
“Of course you will Jay, I’m telling you. You and Me for life no matter what, you remember what we used to say?”
We both laughed and said it together “We will ride or die together, friends forever, M&J”
After we finished reciting our little pact, I stood up and wrapped my scarf around my sholders before quickly walking out of the now quiet bar. Marcus was close behind me trying to keep up my hurried pace. He reached out and held onto my arm, forcing me to slow down before questioning if I had drove. I explained that I had not, and he offered me a lift home. My heart was aching me, there was no way I could be around him any longer so I declined. I needed to be alone right now. I believe he understood, as he didn’t put up a resistance like he would normally do. I needed to digest what I had just heard.
Once outside we shared a hug and another goodbye as he gave me a kiss on the cheek, before looking into my eyes and rubbing his thumb against the same spot he just sanctified. He was so seductive without even knowing it. The streets were busy and noisy, with drunk people falling out the bars in search of food. Marcus ushered me close to protect me from the oncoming barge from an unconcerned young lad. He looked as though he wanted to hold me close and never let me go, but reality hit me as I waved goodbye as I flagged down a passing taxi and jumped in, leaving him standing on the cold pavement, alone.
Damn, how did I mess this up, I have lost the best man in my life and I know that no one can ever come close to Marcus, not even remotely.