Chapter 16.2- Leyah

I turned and looked at the clock on the mantle, it was only quarter past eight this evening was dragging. I sat and flicked through the Sky channels, of course there was nothing worth watching. I settled and watched Desperate Housewives. As my mind drifted I sat and thought about where my life was at the moment. Was I happy? No I was not. I was content. I was at the stage in my life where you just get on with it. Adjust to the situation. Here I was a beautiful young single mother, working as a housing officer trying to make ends meet, whilst also studying with the ambition to hopefully own my own business, trying to do it on my own. Reese was always offering to help me financially for ‘Asia’s sake’, but I refused. I am not some poor helpless woman, I have my pride. I'm not going to live out of the hand of the man who broke my heart, who cheated on his fiancée with me, who lied and deceived me until he could not lie anymore! No way. He is there for his daughter and his daughter only. Asia never goes without. But I do. I go without the touch of a man, the feeling of being loved, being adored and being held delicately. Sometimes I feel jealous of Keshia’s relationship, she doesn’t deserve to be in one at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I love her to bits, she is like a sister to me but her and Bobby are taking this whole relationship thing as a joke. They don’t take it seriously; they fail to love each other endlessly. They abuse the fact that they are together. Although most of it has been Bobby’s’ fault, Keshia is not making it any better. She has turned and done exactly the same thing which he done to her. When will this end. It’s all the deceit and deception in relationships now which frightens me from entering one. Reese hurt me, but looking around at the men that are out there considering what he put me through, it doesn’t look like there is anything better left, they are all the same or worst. He is one of many men who commit adultery or fail to remain monogamous. Is this what my Asia has to look forward to? A lifetime of hurt and deception in relationships?

I reached onto the table stand grabbing my book. Since my unfortunate singlehood I had consumed my evenings with reading romance novels. Dreaming of being the one in love with the perfect man trying to please and satisfy my every desires. The one I was reading at the moment was similar to my life at the moment, the main character Chelsea was embarking on numerous unsuccessful dates. Looking for her prince charming and the man who ends up being her everything is the man who she least expected. The man who she confided all her disastrous dates in. He who listened attentively to her likes & dislikes, her fears and inhabitations. She didn’t know it, but he was so into her. I was up to the chapter where he was trying to win her over. He was going out of his way to indirectly show her that he was perfect for her. He had found the precious love in her. Why could my life not plan out like that? Why could my prince charming not be waiting?
Since my departure from Reese I haven’t met another brother like him. No one could match up to the way he treated me and although he had a woman at the time, he managed to make me feel special. He made me feel like I was number one in his life, like I was the one who he shared his every breath with. I must admit, he was the perfect gentleman when we were together. He made me happy. I do miss that feeling and I resent him for making me feel that way. It made it so much harder to forget about the good times we shared because it over clouded the bad at times. But I try to keep it in the horizon that he lied, he cheated, he deceived me and his fiancée. He had his cake and bowy was he enjoying it. What made it worst was the fact that Reese was still with Shantel. She had stuck by him like a woman who had already taken her vows and was living it ‘until death do we part’. I really don’t understand why they haven’t walked down the isle as yet. I mean she has proved herself as a fool for her man and they have been together for a while now, it must be over six years at least. I rolled my eyes, how would I handle it if he came and told me that they were finally tying the knot? Would I be bothered? Hell no! I can’t stand that Bastard! What he did to me was wrong. He hurt me. He has made my daughter a statistic. I can never forgive him for that. What if he wants Asia to be in the procession? Could I really say no? That would be such a shot in the heart if he marries her. He couldn’t tell me. But I know he would, he wouldn’t miss the opportunity to rub it in my face. This is why I need to hurry up and find someone. Show him that I have moved on. That I’m not mourning over him, not holding on to what used to be. I need to find me a relationship!
I was woken out of my daze when my mobile went off. I was convinced that it was Reese again so I took my time reaching across the sofa grabbing the handset; to my amazement it was not him. I looked at the screen and saw Keshia’s name flashing with her contact picture of us in the Grand Canaries the previous year. I pressed the answer button and heard the excited husky voice down my line.
“Hey girl, what’s up?”
“Nah, nothing I’m just here. Had a long day and Asia’s not well”
“Aww, my poor princess. I'm gonna come round tomorrow and bring her some ice-cream or something”
“Err, she needs soup not ice cream” I joked.
“Please, ice-cream helps everything. Leyah, were going out to this little spot down Ealing on Saturday so make sure Reese takes Asia”
“What. How can you just tell me, you’re supposed to ask!”
“Oh come on, you need to get out anyway”
“Why so far?”
“Well… we’ve been invited by Kamarni to come and watch him play. Sounds like it’s going to be really good”
“Oh, so you mean he has invited you and you’re just dragging us out to be your tag alongs?”
“No nothing like that. He said to bring you guys. Come on it will be fun”
“Okay, well I will see how Asia is by then and let you know”
“Oh please. Come on she has a father and you know he wouldn’t mind”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to just abandon her whilst she is sick”
“I hear you, but baby girl will be alright with her dad. So I will pick you up Saturday about ten. Okay love ya, bye”
Just like that she was gone. Keshia made me laugh she was like a black panther, gone in seconds. She never really waited for a response when she wanted her own way. Well at least she was keeping me at high spirits- keeping me up to date on the scene. She was the one who helped me the most through my depression stage after Reese. Finding out about his fiancée and then the confirmation that I was pregnant, I thought my life was over but Keshia helped me to see sense, well through her ‘logic’. It wasn’t the end of the world. I had to do what was best for me and my life would not stop because of a man and a baby. It was his lost and I would show him. Although I have yet to ‘show him’, I was doing well at this moment in time.

Just as I made a move to get up and turn off the television, my mobile went off; a text message. I pressed the retrieval button and went into my mailbox. Yep, right on cue. It was Reese asking me to give Asia a kiss from him and he would pass by tomorrow. He is so conniving, does he really think he can pull the wool over my eyes again. The end of the text read: Love you loads. Big Hugs and Kisses. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I believe that is a subliminal message directed at myself. There was no Love Daddy or tell Asia that he loves her loads. This man is still trying to play games!

Chapter Two- Keshia

How do I get myself in these situations? Is it my fault or is it Bobby’s? Nah, it’s defiantly not mine, if he would only pay attention to what he is supposed to then we wouldn’t be in this situation now.
“So Keshia, when are you going to give me the pleasure of you company again, so I can take you out for dinner?”
“Look Clayton, I’m really busy this week, but I can try come over quickly tomorrow evening” I replied, starring at my sealing, casually holding the phone to my ear, whilst watching my pre-recorded dose of America’s Top Model.
“You’re always passing through! You never actually spend ‘TIME’ with me. I want to hold you, I want to feel your warm lips against mine again, I can’t remember what you feel like, it’s been so long baby!”
“Babes, I’m trying but I’ve just been too busy, it’s not easy being me! Look I have to prioritise my time, and besides it wasn’t that long ago! I’m sure you can remember.”
“That’s what you think! I need to sample the goods again” He blurted sounding frustrated.
“Clayton, just wait a little longer!” I rolled my eyes. Truth was I didn’t really want to give him anymore! Yeah we had two passionate nights together, but that was all it was. I was in need for some attention and special feelings those nights, and yes Clayton was at the right place at the right time. It was nice, but not worth doing it again, I mean I had to juggle him around with Bobby, who was trying extra hard lately to make things right again. Especially after that bitch Naomi had tried to seduce him into her bed. I never really knew what actually did happen, but it made me seek elsewhere for what I was missing and Clayton was only happy to oblige. But now I didn’t know how to let him go, it would break his heart. It’s my own fault I was too affectionate with him, I couldn’t help it, it was nothing personal just how I do things. Now he wanted to take me out more and I always had to find a new excuse. I mean he never knew about Bobby, because he never asked, and then we never spoke about forming a relationship either. So it’s his fault that he let his feelings get caught up in our fling.
Now Bobby was sweet, sexy and a charmer. We had been dating for two years on and off, and we had been through our fair share of madness, the girls trying to split us up, the malicious rumours, and the family members, which wanted to keep us apart. But we got through it, sort of! Now here we were trying to make things work again!
He was moving back into my flat this week, and we promised to try and make things work this time. He promised to be more dedicated to the relationship and commit everything he had to make it work. Yes I believed him, why not. I loved him and he loved me, and love conquers all doesn’t it?

“Hey baby, I’m going to bring the rest of my stuff on Thursday, so we can go out Friday night. I won’t be down until late tonight though, coz I’m going out with the boys. Before you start it’s Miles’ birthday, so were just going out for a drink”
“But babes, we haven’t spent any time together at all this week, and you promised you would”
“Yeah, I will be down later tonight” Bobby stated, trying to convince me.
I took a deep breath. “When I’m sleeping!” I moaned pulling the blanket over my bare legs after feeling the slight draft which christened my room.
“Baby, don’t be like that! I won’t go if you don’t want me to”
“Nah, you go babes, I don’t want them to think I’m not letting you out like last time! You know how they talk rubbish. Go and enjoy yourself”
Now I knew that his ‘boys’ encouraged him to chat up other women, especially his best mate Danny, because he could definitely not attract them on his own! Now Danny he was such an arse. He hated on my relationship with Bobby from day one, and that was only because he could not get me himself.
When I met Bobby at a garden party in Hammersmith five years ago, he was with that fool Danny. He had tried to proposition me with his best useless lyrics, but I politely turned him down, much to his disapproval. As soon as I was able to slip away from him, my eye caught a hold of this sexy 5’9, brown skin, firm bodied honey across the smoke filled room. He had the body of a model, actually no a chocolate Adonis. I will never forget that moment; he was wearing dark blue denim jeans and a white shirt with his crucifix chain hanging down his muscular chest. I’m telling you I was on him like a bee to honey. That night I was looking sexy dressed in my black ¾ length skirt which hugged my wide but sexy hips, a black and red corset top which flattered my small breast and made them look a size bigger. My hair flowing straight above my shoulders with copper highlights complementing my complexion. Amazingly I was the one who went over to him and introduced myself. I just needed to say something and somehow the courage leapt out of me like a trapped tiger, as my feet carried me over to him with uncertainty.
I was thankful that he didn’t reject me, he was actually happy that I had come over, as he whispered in my ear through the loud music that he had been watching me all night. I was flattered. We conversed outside in the early hours of the humid morning for about an hour while everyone else was dancing away to the classic sounds. I found him so mentally stimulating, it turned out that he was an actor and had been in many huge plays across England. In turn I informed him of my recent funding events for underprivileged youths. A few minutes into the conversation and had realised that we had so many things in common. From that day on we developed a relationship, which was plagued with hurt and insecurities from past relationships. Being together was a challenge for both of us, one which we were willing to face, but knew that would be hard.

Bobby was a good man deep down, but he was overpowered by the pain Hazel had done to him earlier. Now she was a right bitch, she had tried to trap him with a pregnancy but then later confessed that she had slept with one of his friends. That news had broken him down, however it didn’t stop her. She had tried to convince him that it was his, but he didn’t believe her. He knew that she wasn’t sure who the father was, but wanted it to be his because the other guy wasn’t interested in being a father. Her pleas were worthless, and she ended up having a termination. After that experience he couldn’t find it within himself to trust a woman again. He always claimed that it burned so much because he never cheated on her, and then it made it worst, that she had been with someone he knew. So honestly I didn’t really blame him for his feelings and reluctance to commit to our relationship. Janet said that I was mad to put up with some of the things he did, but I just understood his situation and knew that he needed support and assurance to trust me, and then we could move our relationship to the next level. My past was also haunting me but hey you have to try and move on and get over it.

Moving in together was a big step, although he had practically lived with me when we were together eight months ago it was not official, and it caused more problems than good. But that was only because Bobby was not ready to fully commit at the time, still wanting to walk the streets like he was a bachelor. He couldn’t cope with me asking him, what time he would be home, what he wanted for dinner, telling him that It was his turn to wash up, reminding him to tidy up after himself and constantly telling him to put the toilet seat down. Looking back at it now, what was actually going to be different this time? He would still have his bad habits! Only I would have to put up with it, welcome it, get used to the fact that this was how it was going to be!
Before he decided to move in with me, Bobby was flat sharing in Walthamstow with two other guys in this dingy small detached house. He was not used to his own space, but was accustom to an environment full of testosterone, blossoming in the unwelcoming smell of dirty dishes in the sink, and neglected months of cleaning. I tell you something for sure; I am not going to miss that two hour drive down there, no more suffering nights in the prescience of a male occupancy.

I looked around my surroundings, examining my comfortable space. My flat was only a one bedroom, but it was big enough for the both of us. I’d been living here for three years now, and I had made it into my own. Having to share it was a bit daunting for me. I was organised and Bobby had a lot of stuff despite him basically living in one room at his place, he had accumulated enough stuff as someone who had a three bedroom house! He had already moved in half of his belongings during the past week, which I had been weaving through in order not to break my neck. There were musty smelling books stacked in boxes in the corridor, his keyboard and other musical instruments lying all around the flat and even pictures of him and famous actors, which he was adamant he was going to hang up around the flat on my flawless walls, somehow I did not think so!, I thought walking around in my pink slippers. I laughed remembering that it had led to numerous discussions about where he was going to put a lot of his ‘junk’!

Frustrated with seeing the scattered cardboard boxes around the flat, I decided to hang up his clothes and neatly stack his shoes and trainers; which were all still in their boxes, nicely in the built-in wardrobe, where tons of my own shoes were stacked. I was all hot and sticky when I had finished. Living with Bobby was going to be a big step, but it would be nice to come home knowing that my boyfriend would be there or would be coming home soon. Having to cook everyday, instead of rushing for a quick bite to eat before sitting bored in front of the television, constantly flicking channels trying to find something interesting to watch. Only problem was, now I would have to ensure that I constantly looked presentable, not looking all frumpy and unkempt, which I normally transformed into come evening. It meant that I wouldn’t be able to come home, take out my contact lenses and resort to wearing my half crooked pair of D&G glasses and relax in my over-worn house t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. No, no, I can’t do any of that just yet, how he met me is how I’ve got to stay! Me letting my self-go now that we have moved in together is a recipe for disaster. It could easily turn him off, and send him into the arms of another woman, and I know there would always be a dozen who are willing to take him up. Its not that he hasn’t ever seen me first thing in the morning, with my headscarf around my head, and no make-up or something like that. But I just didn’t want anything to go wrong again. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted him to remain attracted to me, keep the relationship alive. Not that we had a boring sex life, our sex life was very exciting when he was actually here! But I didn’t want the flame to burn out!
In a way it felt like an invasion of my space, but on the other hand it was like I embraced the warm feeling it gave me. I was sharing my world, with someone I loved. I was replacing my lonely days, with joy and excitement. I was building my life with another, changing for the better. Making my home, ‘our’ home